Contrite
By far this has been one of the more challenging periods of my life. Not so much academically (that was last year), but psychologically. Let me share with you a conversation I have had easily a hundred times:
“Joe, how’s school, you almost done yet?” asks an acquataince, friend, relative, or passerby.
“It’s good, I’ll be done this Spring.” I reply sincerely.
“What are you going to do then?” They ask inquisitively.
“Uhm, I’m not sure…” I reply with a high degree of fluster.
So with uncertainty towards the future, I step up to plan today and tomorrow, and I find that my plans are woven with worry. That as I prepare for the things I lead (Reach Akron, applebee’s alternative…) I worry about their success and ponder the ramifications of failure.
Why? Why the need to succeed? If I have failed, surely God has not failed. But have I failed Him? Does my inability to abstain from sin affect His constant faithfulness?
The Apostle Paul would write, “By No Means” and he would go on to explain how our unfaithfulness cannot affect God’s faithfulness, since God is faithful to Himself. But today that didn’t “feel” true.
So I prayed a dismal prayer of discontent with my present state of uncertainty. I told God I was tired of not knowing what to do, tired of planning and worrying, tired of believing blindly. I asked God if Thomas had been so wrong to want to see Christs’ hands and touch His sides.
but God said nothing. I thought of Peter, and how wrong He had been to deny Christ and I was guilt-ridden as I recalled the recent times that my life and actions had denied Christ.So I left the room contrite and humbled, still uncertain as to life’s direction. And I bumped into an old friend.
I had served in as a janitor in the church where I had been praying for 2 years. I had made friendships with a lot of the people that attend that church in the afternoon and evening and I had established a routine of helping people set up rooms. One such room and person routine was Bruce. For 2 years, Bruce (who is likely to be around 70 years old and resembles an old hippie) would meet me in the church gymnasium, watch (seldom help) me tear down chairs and tables, remind me that he needed my help in his room, then proceed to follow me through the church as I attended all the more-pressing rooms. (Bruce’s room wasn’t used until later that evening, whereas other rooms would be used within the hour).
So with the other rooms attended to. I would go with Bruce to his room and set up. And Bruce would instruct me how to set up the room, the same set up everytime, the same instruction everytime. I would tell Bruce kindly that I knew how to set up the room, yet he continued to remind me of the details that I knew well.
I haven’t worked there for a year and a half. But I was there praying today, there telling God how frustrated I was today. And as I left the room where I usually pray, I bumped into Bruce. And Bruce asked me to help him.
So I did. I set up the same 6 tables with 8 chairs around each table that I had set up for 2 years. And I recieved the same instruction as to how to do it and what to do that I had recieved for 2 years.
And I thought of my big life question. What I was going to do with my life. And although I’m still far from a concrete answer, my soul was set at ease. Because God calls us to serve and love in humility. He doesn’t call us to grandiose thesis and ideas. He doesn’t even call us neccessarilly to success. Rather, He calls us to humble service in love.
What a wonderfully strange God we serve.
Grace and peace.
